There is an interesting story about four pastors from the same community who were able to get away from it all and go on a week-long fishing trip in the Canadian bush country.
They were far away from their families, their churches, their ministries, and their responsibilities.
Well, one night they were sitting around the campfire, enjoying one another’s company and swapping stories. As the fire started getting low, one of the pastors suggested something.
He said, “You know what, guys? We’re pretty far away from our families and our church members. What do you say we just let down our hair and share what our secret sin is? After all, the Bible tells us to bear one another’s burdens. This seems like a good time to do that very thing.”
Each of the pastors felt comfortable with the others, so they decided to disclose their deepest and darkest weaknesses.
One pastor said, “I didn’t think I would ever tell anybody this, but my secret sin is gambling. I like to go to the track and place bets on horses.”
A second pastor said, “Well, I have to admit something too. No one in my church knows this, but I have a secret sin of uncontrollable anger.”
A third pastor gulped as he listened to the others and said, “No one knows this about me, but I have a problem with the bottle. When I get hassled in a meeting, I head back home, go down to the cellar, and take several swigs of wine.”
After the third pastor spoke, silence followed. The three confessors were waiting for the fourth pastor to chime in.
Finally, he broke the silence.
“Well, guys,” he said, “I guess I might as well tell you what my secret sin is. It’s gossip.”
Then he added, “And man, oh man, I can’t wait to get back home and talk to your church members.”
That is a great story.
And it reminds us of something important: you always have to be on the lookout for gossip.
Just as we would be wise to make sure there are no leaks in the faucets in our bathrooms or kitchens, it would also be wise to make sure the open valve of a gossiper is not affecting us. Both can cost us dearly.
If we respond wrongly to gossip, it can blow up on us. It can turn into conflict in a family, in an organization, or even in a church. Gossip can cause a tremendous disturbance. It can bring spiritual defilement that spreads like wildfire through a congregation.
And unfortunately, Christians are not exempt from gossip.
In fact, some believers in Jesus would say they do not even have a problem with gossip, just as they might say they do not have a problem with gluttony, withholding from God’s work, or refusing to share their faith with others.
Some believers have developed their ability to gossip to the point where it has become a refined skill.
Maybe you are a senior adult, and you have walked with the Lord not just for years, but for decades. Those who know you well would say that you are well grounded in your understanding of Scripture.
But as you read this, it could very well be that you are asking yourself, “How can I stop gossiping when gossip is so much a part of my relationships with others? When I get together with my friends, if we did not gossip, what would we talk about?”
Friend, if the stated purpose of a relationship is gossip, something is desperately wrong.
So how can you and I deal with gossip when we are on the listening end? What can we do when someone is trying to give us an earful of information we should not be listening to?
Today I want to pass along six practical tips you can immediately use to squelch gossip, at least the gossip coming in your direction.
They form the word GOSSIP.
Each letter gives us another step. And these steps become progressively firmer as we go along.
G — Give the Third Party the Benefit of the Doubt
The first step is this: give the third party the benefit of the doubt.
In other words, assume the best about the person who is being talked about.
Abraham Lincoln had a favorite riddle that he enjoyed sharing with his colleagues. Every so often he would ask, “If a man were to call the tail of a dog a leg, how many legs would that dog have?”
Typically, people would answer, “Five.”
Then Lincoln would respond, “Wrong. Just calling a tail a leg does not make it so.”
And that is true.
In the same way, just because a person claims someone is prideful, lying, greedy, or lustful, does that make it so?
Of course not.
When you give the third party the benefit of the doubt, you are loving that person in his or her absence. You are believing the best about that individual.
In 1 Corinthians 13:7, Paul says that love “believes all things.”
Now, that does not mean you accept whatever is spoken about another person as fact. It does not mean you stop thinking carefully. It does not mean you become naïve.
But it does mean that when you truly love someone, you expect the best from that person, even when hearsay or appearances might suggest otherwise.
So let me encourage you to speak well of the third party who is not present when gossip begins.
Give that person the benefit of the doubt.
O — Originate a New Topic of Conversation
The second step is this: originate a new topic of conversation.
That is right. You can always change the subject.
Now, this is the flip side of what many people do when they hear gossip. Someone says, “Did you hear what happened?” and the listener says, “You have got to be kidding me. Tell me more. I need to know what is going on.”
Well, there is a better path than saying, “Give me more of that gossip.”
Let me strongly encourage you to obstruct that conversation as it moves toward gossip and start up a new conversation.
Proverbs 26:20 says:
“For lack of wood the fire goes out,
And where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down.”
The New International Version puts it this way:
“Without wood a fire goes out;
without gossip a quarrel dies down.”
And the Knox translation is even more succinct:
“No fuel, no fire; no tale-bearer, no quarrel.”
Gossip is the gasoline that fuels tension and strife.
Just as a flame can be quenched when it has no more fuel, cutting off a certain conversation can cause gossip to suffocate and die.
So start a new topic of conversation.
Do not give fuel to gossip. Make a deliberate decision to change the channel and move in a completely different direction.
S — Send a Challenge
The third step is this: send a challenge.
One of the best ways to do that is by asking direct questions.
Now, you can ask three kinds of questions.
You can ask a question that deals with the source. You can ask a question that deals with ownership. Or you can ask a question that deals with confrontation.
Let me break those down.
Ask About the Source
You might simply say to the person who starts gossiping, “What is your source?”
Or, “Where did you get your information?”
Or, “Have you personally looked into the facts of this situation for yourself?”
That deals with the source.
Ask About Ownership
You might say, “If I were to look into this further, may I quote you on this?”
Or, “Are you willing to take a stand on the statements you are making right now?”
Or, “Do you have a sense of ownership for what you are telling me?”
That deals with ownership.
Ask About Confrontation
You can also ask, “Have you personally gone to the people involved?”
Or you could ask, “Why are you telling me this?”
That is a very important question.
“What is the reason for bringing this information to me?”
Another question might be, “Do you think this person would mind you bringing this to my attention?”
These are the types of questions you can ask when someone starts gossiping to you.
But let me warn you. If you ask these kinds of questions, in all likelihood, you are going to get some pushback. The other person probably will not like it.
But Proverbs 27:6 says:
“Faithful are the wounds of a friend.”
Getting up into the face of a gossiper may bang and bruise that individual’s ego, but it still needs to be done.
And one of the most loving things you can do is confront a gossiper to his or her face.
That person needs to know it is not okay to keep spreading gossip. It is hurting other people.
S — Stick Up for the Third Party
The fourth step is this: stick up for the third party.
Would you want the third party to stick up for you?
Of course you would.
And the golden rule applies here. In Matthew 7:12, Jesus says:
“In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you,
for this is the Law and the Prophets.”
Now, even though sticking up for a third party is not specifically mentioned in that verse, it is certainly an application of it.
If you would want someone to defend you when you were not in the room, then you should be willing to defend someone else when that person is absent.
We see this kind of loyalty in Scripture.
Lot stood his ground for the guests who were in his home. Jonathan showed loyalty toward David, who would eventually become the king of Israel. And this is the kind of loyalty believers are to express toward one another.
We are to stick up for the third party.
Let me share some examples of how you might word this when someone starts gossiping.
You could say, “If Harriet knew we were talking like this, do you think she would be okay with it? Since she is not here right now, it seems wise for us to table this conversation. She cannot defend herself, so let’s not talk about this.”
Or you could say, “If Hank said what you claim he said, or did what you claim he did, then I am sure there is more to the story than we know.”
Those are simple ways to stick up for the third party.
They are not complicated.
But they do require courage.
I — Immediately Leave the Conversation
The fifth step is this: immediately leave the conversation.
You might say, “Well, if I leave the conversation, won’t I come across as snobbish? Won’t someone misunderstand me as being uppity or antisocial?”
Look, do not be more concerned about how the gossiper sees you than you are about what God’s Word says.
Proverbs 11:13 tells us:
“He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets,
But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter.”
Similarly, Proverbs 20:19 says:
“He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets,
Therefore do not associate with a gossip.”
That instruction is not subtle.
Do not associate with a gossip.
Why? Because gossip is dangerous. Gossips love to talk. They love to chirp and allow their lips to flap in the breeze to whoever will listen.
And if a gossiper is talking to you about someone else, you can count on the fact that the gossiper is talking to someone else about you.
The text tells us to avoid that kind of person because this is the sort of individual who reveals secrets and divulges confidential information that should not be expressed.
So it is important to leave the conversation.
When you do, you break the chain of gossip. You stop it from continuing through you.
P — Pray
The sixth and final step is this: pray.
That may be the most important step of all.
And I suggest you pray for two people.
Pray for the gossiper, and pray for yourself.
When you pray for the gossiper, ask the Spirit of God to prick the conscience of the person who has become a tongue-lashing assassin — a person who is defaming others, slandering others, whispering to others, and babbling on and on to other people.
Ask the Lord to shut that person’s mouth.
You do not have to feel uncomfortable praying that kind of prayer. God may very well be even more troubled by the gossip than you are.
And as you pray, ask God to challenge the gossiper to go to the third party, if that is what needs to happen.
Of course, when someone confronts another person, that confrontation must be done in the right spirit.
Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:3-5 to take the log out of our own eye before trying to remove the speck from another person’s eye.
In Galatians 6:1, Paul says:
“Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness;
each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.”
So when you confront a person, you do not go with pride. You go with humility. You go gently, not harshly.
You are not trying to stick it to that person. You are not trying to bury that individual under his or her sin. You go in love, seeking to help that person get to a better place.
But you should also pray for yourself.
Ask God to help you not accept as fact what you are told by a gossiper. Ask God to help you not assume that the gossip coming in your direction is accurate.
And while you are at it, ask God to help you forget gossip that has come to you from another person.
A Lesson I Learned the Hard Way
A number of years ago, there was a man named Scott who was on staff at a church where I pastored.
Scott had been at the church for a number of years before I arrived. While we were on staff together, he shared with me that he was burned out in ministry. He did not just want to take a break. He wanted to work in a secular job for a change.
Nothing wrong with that.
Little did I know it would take Scott more than a year to find a job. He kept looking and looking until finally a door opened for him to become a jailer at the Glendale Police Department.
Scott shared with me that he had been unofficially approved for the job, and he gave me the impression that it was a done deal.
Because he communicated it as such a sure thing, I felt the freedom to share with some high school girls that Scott had gotten a new job. I thought they would be interested and excited to know that we could begin a search for a new youth pastor.
Well, sure enough, one of those high school girls asked Scott about the status of his new job in front of the other high schoolers at a Bible study.
Scott was caught off guard. He had no idea they even knew about it. And he was understandably disappointed and frustrated because he wanted to be the one to share the news in his own way and in his own timetable.
When Scott discovered that I was the one who spilled the beans, he confronted me the next day.
What did I do?
I took ownership. I was clearly in the wrong, and I apologized to Scott. I should never have divulged information that he had shared with me confidentially.
Learning to hold on to information and be confidential with it can be a hard lesson to learn.
I have many vices, but one thing I know for sure is that I have grown in the ability to be confidential. When someone is with me in a counseling situation, I am not going to go back and tell my wife. I am not going to go to our leadership team at church or anybody else.
That information stays with me.
And I learned that lesson the hard way.
How About You?
How about you?
When it comes to gossip, are you part of the problem or part of the solution?
How you communicate in the future will make a radical difference in the lives of the people around you.
My sense is that gossip will either do great damage in your life and in the lives of people you communicate with, or gossip will be squelched — and that will make all the difference in the world.
The people who interact with you can recognize you as a person who talks with venomous communication, or they can see you as someone marked by healthy communication.
The choice is yours.
So let’s remember the six steps.
G — Give the third party the benefit of the doubt.
O — Originate a new topic of conversation.
S — Send a challenge.
S — Stick up for the third party.
I — Immediately leave the conversation.
P — Pray.
These steps may not be easy. But they are practical. They are biblical. And by God’s grace, they can help you stop gossip before it does serious damage.
Before You Go
As you have been thinking about gossip, perhaps you have a choice to make.
Maybe when you hear gossip, you are tempted to say, “I need to check into this further.” Or maybe you find yourself saying, “That is just like church people. They are always getting into trouble.”
And it could be that in your case, you are even hiding behind that excuse for not being interested in Jesus.
If that is true, friend, you are turning away the only perfect person who ever lived. You are turning away the only qualified Savior. You are turning away the One who died on the cross for your sins, was bodily raised from the dead, and lives today.
You are turning away the only person who can forgive you and give you eternal life.
It is my privilege to tell you that you can be forgiven of all the sins you have ever committed, including gossip.
If you come to Christ, you can be forgiven of all your sins — past, present, and future — and be assured of a place in heaven.
So let me call upon you right now to exercise saving faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Receive him as your personal Savior and Lord.
You are surrounded by people all around the world who have surrendered their hearts to Jesus, people who are living their lives to honor God, give him glory, and put him first.
And now, it can be your turn.
